My Blog

THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE....

Tomorrow will be my second year anniversary.....

My husband is on a business trip so we celebrated it last saturday night.  Since our quiet August wedding two years ago, so many things already happened in between. On our first anniversary, I already told my husband that I have loved him more than I did a year ago.  Today, I say I love him more than ever!

It doesn't cease to amaze me how I can keep on loving more the man I married.  Is it because of the constant loving he gives me or the undivided attention I get?....or perhaps the way he treats me with respect or the way he understands me in so many ways?  I could name loads of reasons why I truly love this man but at the end of the day, as I snuggle in his arms, it is the contentment and feeling as a whole human being that matter most.

Marriage is not always roses and chocolates..it is, in fact, a lot of work.  A couple should understand the differences in personalities, or make a compromise between differences in interests... sometimes culture plays a role as well...not to mention, the expectations and responsibilities that go with the marriage....and well, among many other things.

No one or nothing is perfect in this world but two people can be perfect for each other.  And I am so blessed to have found the perfect man for me....the one who always gives me the best days of my life...my husband, my lover, my friend!!!

MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS....

     What have I got to say today....?....perhaps a lot considering that I haven't been writing lately.  Since our business opened to public 2 months ago, I barely have time to reply to my friendster messages.  Whatever slow times I have during the day, there is always something to take care of.

     For two months of running the business, I came across different kinds of people with different personalities and attitudes.  When I had a taste of my first customer with a pricing attitude, man, that ruined my day big time!....I am a sensitive person so I could not help my cheeks from burning red-hot when I meet certain types of people who are brash, rude, arrogant....and er, cheap (they would die over a few cents!).  But, in this kind of business, I learned to tell myself "GET OVER IT!"  Why ruin my day over one customer when I have many more around who are hundred fold nicer and more fun to talk to.

     Ok, in fairness, since my opening, I only had three "problem customers" or what I call the "penny-pinchers" out of the many really nice ones, funny ones, generous ones or the ones who just won't stop spilling their stories out.  No problem on my end, as long as I am not busy with other customers, I usually have fun times listening to them.

     Besides, my drivers for FedEx Ground, FedEx Express, UPS and US Post Office are all heaven sent! They all come on time and more than willing to wait  if I am running late in processing labels for my packages.  Not to mention that it is not the same for all franchisees when it comes down to their drivers....I have heard and read terrible stories.

     So far, I have been having a great time with my work.  After the initial stress of memorizing a lot of codes for USPS services and getting myself familiar with the shipping softwares of the different carriers, now I can finally breath a sigh of relief.  The only downside to it is the fact that I am spending less time with my husband :(, add to that the need to work on saturdays, too.  Although I get to work at 10:00am and spends only 4 hours at work, the day seems pretty much over.  I am toying with the idea of closing on saturdays especially during the summer when shipping is at its slowest.  I will probably get hammered over the head from the headquarters if I do that :)

     The good thing about this kind of business is that I don't have to rely on someone else to get things done...it can pretty much be a one-man army.  Only when customers with multiple packages all flock at the same time that I wish I have someone to help me with the shipping forms but at the end of the day I feel better that I don't have to worry about correcting misinformations or mislabels or worst, costly mistakes.  I only have myself to reprimand if that happens, lol.

     When I was still teaching, the respect I got from my students were more than enough to make my day go brighter.  In business, repeat customers are more than enough for my reward :)

I AM GLAD YOU'RE MINE..VALENTINE!

     To all the people who are romantics at heart, Valentine's Day is the best chance to express their feelings to their sweethearts, wives, husbands, MU's or send romantic wishes to friends and loved ones.

     Today is my  3rd Valentine's Day celebration with my husband, Ron.  The last 10 years before that, being a single Mom, I simply went home to my children and treated it like any other day.  When I went to work overseas, I usually just spent the whole day hard at work then met my friends for dinner and a beer or two.  There was nothing left to do but people-watch while we chatted the night away.  I didn't remember myself being lonely because I didn't have a valentine.  Looking back, I guess I just had that persnickety attitude of saying, "who needs a Valentine if he'll end up breaking my heart".

     Back then, I wasn't in any rush to meet my Valentine.  I was very happy the way things were...that of being single again.  Having the last word to that selfish bastard I first married and being able to get out of his grips were liberating for me.  I was able to find myself once more.

     When we go through life's miseries, struggles, failures, heartbreaks, losses  and we get past them, we end up becoming a stronger person.  But most times, they leave a scar in our hearts....and like a scar, it may be dormant but it is there.  For some, the scar is too big that it changes their personalities and attitudes or outlook in life.  Just like our successes and achievements, those scars make up who we are now.

     Sometimes, it is sad to see anyone whose heart gave so much to someone only to be torn in many pieces...again...and again...and again.  It is equally sad, to see anyone go through a big heartbreak and never trusted again...ever....even when someone deserving came along.

    With scars and all, if you can just be the person that you are in a relationship then you know that you are with the right person.  Better yet, if you love the person that you become when you're with that person, then you know it is the right time.  Most of all, if you know in your heart that you can be really happy with that person and you are his or her source of happiness, then you know you have finally come in a right place...where you belong!

     There came the moments in my life when I used to spend the night dreaming about my Mr. Right...only then he didn't have a face, I just knew that he will love me for who I am, he will accept me for what I have become, that we will have a good life together loving and respecting each other...of course, it goes without saying that I used to create romantic scenes in my head like candlelit dinners, roses and chocolates, the whole nine yards..... ;) But suitors came and went and no one fitted the face of my Mr. Right.

     Until one Ron James came and kept proving that he is THE ONE.  But like I said, we come with scars along the way and with the kind I carry, I almost pushed him out of my life.  My Valentine though has such a big heart and understanding that he didn't stop until I had my eyes wide open and see that he no longer lives in my fantasy....he is already my reality!  Tonight, we will have a candlelight dinner, not in my dreams, but in a nice restaurant to celebrate our love for each other.

     "BABE, I LOVE YOU NOT ONLY FOR WHO YOU ARE BUT FOR WHAT I AM WHEN I AM WITH YOU!"

    To all my friends who are married or in a relationship, I wish you will also have a nice celebration on this day of love, it does not matter how we spend it, it matters who we spend it with....

     To all my single friends, it should not be a day of sorrow just because you don't have anyone to celebrate it with... love can be found in many, many ways and they come in all sorts and forms.  People sometimes say that it comes when it comes...the way I see it, to be or not to be in a relationship is a CHOICE.  For as long as anyone is happy with the choices they make, then all is well.

             HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Joys of Motherhood...

     My schedule during the last few weeks have been really, really busy.  I guess, today is the first time I am able to catch a breath and stay at home the whole day.  Well, of course, there are tons of household chores to attend to but I am glad I have the chance to sit and enjoy my favorite slideshow....that of my girls when they were little.

     It is amazing how I will never get enough of that.  Each time, it never fails to make me smile looking at how cute they were or laugh on my own whenever I see them in their funny faces.  Watching their cute little ways still gives me a lump in my throat though...nevertheless, it is always a joy.

     Up to this time, I still remember clearly the little toddler dresses and pajamas they wore which I have sewn myself.  I remember those little baby shoes and sandals I bought in the market..so cute and so tiny.  I remember both girls' first steps and every stumble ..their first mumbles then eventually the words that turned to phrases.

     I remember those times we spent in the plaza and the girls were just having fun in the see-saw or the slide and then we got to buy bbq's and "balot" from the food stalls.  I know the girls' personalities and moods and it is amazing to see both of them exhibit a little of myself. Hopefully, they only get the good traits :p...never the dark ones, lol.

     While there were so many events in the past that I have already thrown into oblivion, nothing can take away from me the joys of motherhood...the sufferings and the struggles as well but they  just made me appreciate more the blessings I have in my two angels.  I will never forget those sleepless nights when one of them was sick or the muscle aches from carrying them while they tried to sleep with wheezing cough.  Those times I just wished I was the one who got sick and not my little ones.  On most occasions, I preferred they were whiny or crying too much but they were such sweet angels even when sick...they just looked at me with those feverish eyes and limply rest their heads on my shoulder.  Now I am just happy they don't get sick as often as when they were little.

     As parents,we get to enjoy our children in many ways.  They are the constant source of our happiness and inspirations in everything that we do.  It never fails to make us proud and stand tall as we see them achieve many things  as they grow.  We try to do the best we can for them not for anything else in return but to simply feel secure that they will have better lives and a bright future ahead of them.

     Being a mother should never be a task but a wonderful obligation or a welcome resposibility worth carrying because we are always awarded with priceless moments with our children.

   

TO NEVER LOSE ONE'S SELF...

     Last weekend, Ron and I got into our hotel in Zephyrhills, Fl. After he showed me around the restaurants I might consider dining in and  the corporate headquarter I should go to for the next five days, we had  a late dinner at Ruby Tuesdays.  Monday came and my husband headed back to St. Petersburg early in the morning…..  As I bid him goodbye in the parking lot and had the last glimpse of his car, suddenly I felt so alone. I didn’t have much time to dwell on that feeling because I had to prepare my paperworks and documents for the first day of the one-week training necessary for business owners to participate in before they offer their services to the public.  Perhaps the necessity to retain all the info in my head and be prepared for my presentations were weighing in more heavily on my chest at that time…..it’s a new venture and adventure for the likes of me.  After meeting all the other new franchisees, I felt more comfortable.  Then my day begun….

     At the end of the day, I went back to the hotel and the longing for my husband washed over me once more. Instead on dwelling on that, I went ahead to the hotel’s fitness room and worked my ass off.  (Honestly, I am not as disciplined as Ron in working out…  I only do it when I feel like it.  On most occasions, I stick with our time to work out together simply because of the fact that I just enjoy being with him but not necessarily having fun with what I am doing) ;p.  What I do enjoy though is the dance workout and I can spend hours and hours just merely hip hop dancing. Unfortunately, it wasn’t an option at the hotel.

      After sweating a little, it was time to freshen up and time to face the fact that I was eating dinner ALONE this time and for the next five days….Ugh!  In the end, I spent the whole night realizing that I got so used to the time and affection and caring that my husband does for me….almost to the point of spoon feeding me everything.  I do take care of my husband, big time!….no question on that one…it is something I love doing for him and something I know that makes him happiest.  What bothered me was the fact that, up until last week, I never really realized the impact of depending on him that much.  HE EVEN BUYS MY HIGH-HEELS.  Not that I ask him to….it is mostly for his pleasure, of course…but he would just patiently choose the style and the color and the comfort.  Whenever we shopped, he would steer me to, what else, high-heels section!  Fortunately, I trust his taste and we pretty much have the same style in many ways…..he enjoys buying me things, clothes, dresses…in short he loves to shop for me.  On my end, I don’t have the patience for that.  I only go shopping when I know what I want and need.  I can’t spend too much time on something, I am quick to decide and on most occasions, I will just pick out something without even bothering to try it on.  For a man, shopping wise, my husband has the patience of a saint. That is one of the many things I adore my husband for.  In short, he just makes my life so much easier…he takes care of me unconditionally.  On that account, I am a very lucky woman! 

     During that week of being alone, a part of me though, got a little scared somehow….the once-independent-woman-me seemed to be just a shadow of my past.  Where was the girl who, for the last 15 years did things on her own?  Where was that woman who faced life and tackled its hardships head on?  Lately, I could not make decisions on my own, I needed my husband….I could not go anywhere else on my own, I needed my husband to be there…I had questions that needed some answers, again I needed my husband for that…which I believe is great because that’s what marriage is all about anyway…..two people sharing and taking care of each other.  But there is a certain point in our lives when someone who loves us so much will make things a lot easier than what we were used to..and the easier they make everything for us, the more difficult later on to cope on our own because we get so used to the glory of having someone to depend on, to rely on. 

     Last week, I just realized what a cry-baby I became lately, feeling like a cripple without my husband’s presence, whining that I could not do such and such without my husband.  Looking back, I could clearly see now how Ron patiently but firmly pushed me to do things on my own….after whining here and there, grumpy I became but did things anyway……voila!!!.....in the end, I always felt good and so much better I did things ON MY OWN!

   That week was an eye-opener for me.  It is great to be in love and to have someone love us with all their might.  Yes, there's a lot of nice things we could get used to but I was wrong to let it debilitate me.  From now on, less whining from me......hhhhmmmm, I can imagine a big smile forming in my husband's face if he happens to read this one....and he will probably think to himself, "about time, babe!"....  ;)

The Joy of Procastinating....and paying big time!

    After some weeks of procastinating my reading assignments due to some silly excuses here and there, I finally came to a point called dead end, meaning...no other choice but to sit down, grab that thick operations manual and try to stack a semester's worth of business lingo into my rather rusty brain in one week.  Hah, one week...so there I went on my first serious reading day, from page to page, then I became more confused as I went...then at some point, it got too overwhelming...I told myself I needed a break and was shocked I was only at page 16....my jaw dropped because there were 246 pages more to go, for my first manual alone....

     I felt like crying in frustration only there were no tears...just my conscience constantly nagging at me....almost too loud I could hear her say, "see, see, see...if you read early on, some pages here and there, you won't look as stupid as you do now!!!"  (I could even imagine my conscience waving a finger on the tip of my nose while she nagged).

     My second day of reading was much better...just like painting, once I am inspired, then things fall into places, picking the colors at random and trying to feel where I want it and as the colors dominate the canvas, something starts to take shape, from then on, I know where I am going.  Once I opened up my mind into doing something that I really need to do, in this case, reading, then there is no stopping it.  I finished all my three required exams a day before my 2nd first anniversary....nope, no typo there, all it meant was my anniversary for our second wedding, hhmmm...it sounded more confusing...oh well, anyway, I was happy I finally tackled things I kept procastinating.  Then I had a nice, romantic dinner with my husband on our anniversary feeling at peace.  New Year's Eve came and also enjoyed it big time.  It just felt so good not having to worry about tasks half done.

     Lesson learned.

   

   

Picture of Life.....

   During my last visit in the Philippines, I came upon my old cabinet where I keep old stuff that mean a lot to me...little things, little notes from college days, cards from way back when, my old drawings, old journals, old address book..in short, scraps and craps ;)

     Surely, most of us (if not all) keep a part of the past in their own way in different forms.  It can be in pictures with those frozen smiles that remind us of what once was.  Although a lot of things happened after those pictures were taken and changes in our lives took place...when you look at the same old picture, it seems to bring us back in that certain time with those certain people.  It also brings us back to that certain place where we were once and probably never again.  But we feel grateful for all those pictures we took and kept.

     A picture can trigger a lot of different emotions....it can definitely make us smile when we look at the familiar faces of people we love or care about....surely, it can make me laugh out loud whenever I see myself and my friends with the "tissed-up bangs" back in college, thanks to loads and loads of spraynet (darn, it was so fashionable then)....oh, and old pictures can also make me feel sooo embarassed considering how I dressed back then, remember the padded shoulder?....goodness, I thought it was classy, yuck!!!....now I ask, "what am I thinking...?!"  I still kept those pictures regardless...simply because it was just the way things were before.  A picture can also be so much fun to look at...remember all those parties with our gangs...hah, and we had so much energy in those pictures...those were the days...so much fun indeed!

     And what of those pictures of someone we hate....hahaha, they were mostly torn by now or burned into ashes surely....but then we come to find one that we missed burning at some point...if the anger is still there...we will have a good time tearing it into pieces after smaller pieces until nothing familiar is left with that picture...oh, as if that is not even enough, we just stomp on it with all our might...oh, still not enough?, ok...then off to burning it...and we get a relief from watching it slowly burn into ashes while we silently pray that those bad memories just also leave us alone as easily as the ashes are blown in the wind.

     Now, looking at a picture can also be sad....just seeing old friends and families that we may not even see again because of distance, changes in status, having their own lives like we do....just sad but not too bad coz if they are friends and families who matter to us, we keep the communication going. 

     What if we broke up with someone and we were hurt, no matter how much we say we hated them and we may have torn all the pictures...it always comes down to one special picture we couldn't have the heart to tear...just to cling on to it...for a little bit...maybe for a little while...then we keep it somewhere and finally move on...and perhaps forgotten all about it.  Until one time, it just comes back staring at us...that familiar face, that familiar smile...that same old picture we were holding in our hands some months or years ago while we were crying our heart out....same old picture, the only difference is, we no longer cry as hard when we see it...maybe just one little tear or two.  Then and only then we know that the person in the picture is completely out of our lives..then it is also time for that picture to go.

     What if the person in the picture is someone we loved so much and lost?....by tragedy or illness....now, that is devastatingly hard.  We can't keep those pictures away..in fact, we want to have all those pictures around to make us feel that they were just there..that they didn't leave.  It is such a torment...wanting to look at the picture and not wanting to feel the pain of loss...but the feeling is there and there is no denying it.  No matter how hard we cry now when we look at those pictures, we treasure them with all our hearts. 

     Just a few days ago, I was watching a new slideshow of my cousin and I was caught offguard when I saw that it was composed of pictures of her and her husband who recently passed away.  Very young kid...just early twenties...also very smart and hardworking...just trying to raise his young family.  Then, abruptly, just like that, he was gone..taken by a sudden illness.  Now how do you explain that to his young child of barely two?  What do you say whenever she sees the picture of her daddy and asks, "where is he?"...What of my cousin?....so young and so in love with her husband....sudden loss...how do you cope?  She asked me once, tell me how to move on?....While pain is still fresh, things are all easier said than done.  But I know in time, the pain starts to heal.  I firmly believe that TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS...it can't be rushed, there is no shortcut.  We have to sail through life's miseries before ending up in a better place.  Because only in being able to accept our losses that we gain.  Even when people tell us that we will get over it...only us know when we are ready.  Letting go may not be the easiest thing to do...but in time, we get to realize that only in letting go that we welcome a new phase of real happiness.

     I was just in tears while watching the slideshow...good thing I have a box of tissue in my home office because I can also be such a dramatic queen when my emotional button is pushed!  That background song "Over You" by Chris Daughtry which happens to be one of my favorites is the culprit. 

     Pictures....pictures...and more pictures...whatever feelings they give us...pictures are big parts of our lives!

My Treasures.....

     Just tonight, I finished scanning the old photographs from way back when.  I brought with me from the Philippines the albums of my daughters when they were little, all cute little pictures of them before I left and my vacations in between.  They were pictures full of innocence and fun...so much joy...and yet, so many things have changed.....

     I could say I missed out on a lot of things while they were growing up...but then again, I could also say that I have experienced such great joy in having them in my life and taking care of them when they were little.  They constantly gave me that feeling of being whole even when there was a hollow in my heart back then.  When people have kids who depend on them, they grow stronger.  I didn't take time to back down and lick my wounds because all I needed was a look at my little girls and they gave me that much-needed strength to go on.  I didn't focus on what could have been but instead concentrated on what could happen if I didn't move on.

     I was so lucky to have two bundles of joy who are so sweet, whose smiles were enough to take away all the pain.  Who had time to dwell in misery when I had my hands full of innocent laughters?....those cute tricks and pranks never failed to make me smile...those hugs and warm kisses brightened up my day when I was so tired coming home from work, such love in saying, "I love you, Mommy" was more than enough to fill in the gaps.

Each time I looked at their sweet faces and listened to their shrieks and giggles, I felt alive....they were constant reminders that there was so much more to live for..so much more to hope for.  Yes, life back then was especially hard seeing them grow without their father...and eventually explain that we didn't need him in our lives.  Yet, they are happy kids....my parents' presence and support, not to mention, their honest love for the girls are more than enough to fill any void that could have been there....

     In going through our lives, we get to meet series of failures, loss, disappointments, pains, sorrows, grief, anger, sadness...where do we go from there?...what do we do?...who to run to?...or where?...In my own experience, perhaps because my personality dictates so, I ran to no one but myself...sorted things on my own and believed that I could get out of whatever mess I got myself into...and luckily, I always did.  Perhaps because I see life as an endless opportunity..to right what was wrong, to find happiness after each pain, to heal after a grief, to stand up after you fall, to calm down after the storm, to knock on doors when one just closed, to start a new chapter when one just ended..or even to chase that elusive dream.  For as long as we live, we are always given that opportunity and it is only up to us whether or not to grab each chance that comes our way.

Japanese Lesson in Pinoy Version...

Ok, here I go again....another of those funny lines sent by Michael (whose friends probably sent to him, too)...Good timing though coz I couldn't seem to have an inspiration writing in my blog lately.....naks!  Truth is, I am quite busy trying to get a good underwater pictures of those cute little fish I became friends with in Puerto Rico, hahaha...those poor little fish don't have much of a choice but put up with my incessant clicks here and there....

Oh, ok....back to the funny lines:

Japanese Translations II

Is this your property? Arimoto?
Yes, this is my property. Arikoto.
Is this yours? Sayobato?
This is mine. Sakinitu.
Can I have it? Akinato?
You can have it. Sayonato (sing.)
Can we have it? Saminato?
You can have it. Sanyonato (pl.)
You haven't washed your face. Mimutamatamo.
You've grown so thin! Kitanabutomo.
We saw each other. Kitakami.
We had a big get-together. Kitakita kami.
Have a drink before you go. Toma kamuna.
That was my assumption. Inakarako.
Let's go quickly! Bachi-na-yota!
We will boycott the election. Kami noboto.
Underarm odor. Kirikiripawa
Are you a victim of discrimination? Minamatakaba?
I give up. Sukonako.
Ouch! Haraiku!
What a sad life it is. Hainaku.
I'm going to leave you. Sawanako sayo.

Nakatuwaan lang po.....

M y brother, Mike just forwarded this tonight and I could not help laughing but not after I read it again.  It didn't sink in at first because I was reading in haste. 

It is quite true, isn't it?....how people will perceive things differently....with regards to their status in life...

I laughed not because it is meant to be funny....

I laughed because at some point, I got to admit, it is true...

Well, here it is.....

The Comparison Between THE RICH and THE POOR

Kung mayaman ka, meron kang "allergy"
Kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan ay "galis" o "bakokang"

Sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension and stress"
Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo"

Kung mayaman ka, "pneumonia" daw ang sakit mo
Kung mahirap, "TB" yon

Sa mayaman, "hyperacidity"
Kapag mahirap, "ulcer" dahil walang laman ang tiyan

Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay", ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac"
Sa mahirap, ang tawag ay "magnanakaw" o "kawatan"

Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric"
Kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo" o "may topak" o "may sayad"

Kung mayaman ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine"
Kung mahirap ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom"

Kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic"
Pero kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba"

Kung ang señorita mo ay maitim, ang tawag ay "morena" o "sun tanned"
Pero kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita" o "baluga"

Kung socialite ka, ikaw ay "pleasingly plump"
Kapag mahirap ka, ika'y "tabatsoy" o "lumba-lumba" …pagminamalas ka, "baboy"

Kapag mayaman, "fasting" ang hindi kumain
Kung mahirap, "nagtitiis"

Kung well-off ka at date ka rito, date ka roon, ang tawag sa iyo ay "socialite".
Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "pakawala" o "pok-pok"

Kung mayamang alembong ka, ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated"
Pero kung isa kang dukha, ang tawag sa iyo "malandi"

Kapag mayaman, "misguided" o "spoiled" ka
Kung mahirap ka, "addict" o "durugista"

Kung may pera ka, ang tawag sa iyo "single parent"
Pero kung wala kang trabaho, ang tawag sa iyo "disgrasyada"

Kapag mayaman at sexy, "fashionable" daw
Kung mahirap, sigurado "GRO" o "Japayuki" ka

Ang tawag sa mayayamang puro gulay ang kinakain, "vegetarian"
Habang kakaawa ang mahirap na " kumakain ng damo" ay walang pambili ng karne

Sa exclusive school, "assertive" ang mga batang sumasagot sa mga guro
Pero pag ang mga mahihirap na bata ang sumasagot sa mga guro, ang
tawag sa kanila ay "bastos"

Ang mayamang tumatanda, "are graduating gracefully into senior citizenhood"
Ang mga mahihirap ay "gumugurang"

Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner"
Ang anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "gung-gong"

Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says,
"masarap kang kumain and I like you, you do justice to my cooking"

Kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your
host will say to himself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom"

Kung graduate ka ng exclusive school at sa ibang bansa ka
nagtatrabaho, ang tawag sa iyo "expat"
Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "contract worker"

Let It Be...

     There are times when we just let things be, things will work out best on our favor...that's what happened to me recently.  Not that I just let things be the way they were....I just didn't have much of a choice back then.  Ok, to make my point clearer.....remember that day I was ranting about how inefficient the Nebraska Field Office was?....(I probably didn't write exactly that but that was how I felt)...they were pretty backed up so I ended up waiting and waiting for my travel document to arrive.  In the end, Ron and I got this travel document from Tampa Office through InfoPass....without much of a hassle, in fact, no hassle at all....I got asked a few questions, they looked at my informations on their computer and voila!....I was told to pick up the travel document in two days.

     So I got home in the Philippines and while I was enjoying the time with my family and friends, I kept a long distance relationship with my husband for two weeks (emails, phone calls....it was pretty romantic, actually.......*giggles*)...okay, that's beside the point. 

     Anyway, in one of those calls, Ron told me that I finally got a notice of action from the Nebraska Field Office regarding my travel document.  And I said, "huh, result?...." Ron said I wouldn't like to hear about it but he wrote the details in his email anyway.  So I went to read about it and I had exactly the same reaction as my husband's.......I said, "Boo-hoo!  Who needs that result?!"

    Okay, the notice of action stated that "the record in this case fails to establish that the applicant is a lawful permanent resident or conditional permanent resident of the US.  Currently, the applicant has a Form I-485 pending and....yada, yada...yada..."..then on page 2 is the RIGHT TO APPEAL which I will briefly explain:  that they are giving me the right to appeal their decision by filing the Form I-290B with the same field office within 30 days.....and here's the juicy part....for a fee of US$585!!!!  Are you freakin' kidding me?....I already paid US$305 filing for that Form I-131!!!  Sometimes the lawmakers make too much of a fuss that they themselves get lost in their own rules.  That's why there is a so called Reentry Permit/Advance Parole...for people like me, who is still a conditional resident because once my residency is established as permanent, then I won't be needing that permit anymore.  I mean, c'mon.......gggggrrrrr!!!!

     Oh well, good thing that the result came after I left.  Imagine my frustration if I haven't gotten my travel document from Tampa?  Oh, I love that field office!!!  So when I arrived home in the states, I went and looked for that paper to read the notice of action myself....and could not help being smug....ha-ha-ha, who has the last laugh now.  Ok, that was pretty smug.  (Like I said, I couldn't help it, hihi).

     Well, just like what my husband wrote before, some unlikely situations end up with a good result...true.  It is one of those wonderful coincidences that come in our way......oh, I would love to have more of that......pleasseeee....????

In The Comfort of My Home....

     Home at last....after a long and uncomfortable travel.  Ron and I arrived last night and finally got to bed at 1:30 am.  Heavens, it felt great to be on your own bed in your own home!  We initially thought, we'd either be too tired to sleep or be jetlagged but then we both crashed pretty fast.  Next thing I knew, it was early morning.  I was a bit disoriented at first and needed to focus but it didn't take a minute before I realized I was home.  I let Ron sleep some more though I knew he had to report to work.  It was best to let him wake up on his own as he needed that sleep so bad.  Come to think of it, I was able to sleep as much as I could during the travel and I still felt like crap and bone-weary...how much more for my poor husband who couldn't even doze off.  Not that he preferred it but he just didn't have much of a choice simply because he could not.

     I miss my daughters terribly!  I hope they are sleeping peacefully right now.  Soon, hopefully soon...they will be with us.  I am sad but not really feeling all that bad.  I am just grateful that I managed to spend those times with my daughters and my family.  It was great to see my relatives and old friends and be in my old hometown.  At the same time, it is equally great to be in the own comfort of my own home again.....

Right Here Waiting.....

     Hmmmnn, Ron is curled up on a chair at Hongkong International Airport trying to catch some much-needed nap while here I am tapping on my keyboard thinking of what I want to say today.  There's a lot actually if I could just focus on how I feel right now....oh, forget the fatigue or lack of sleep, those are pretty easy to deal with.....what's hard is thinking about what the girls are doing right now, or how they are coping up with another sad goodbye, or reading their text messages repeatedly saying how much they miss me, etc, etc....

     Yesterday, my parents and Jednel drove to Manila with us.  It was easy to talk Jedzel out of coming but Jednel insisted she wanted to come.  Despite concerns that she might end up getting sick with the long travel, my resolve melted the moment she started crying uncontrollably and so I said, "oh, ok you're coming with us..."  My initial choice was to just let the girls stay and say my goodbyes at home....like it used to be.  That way, they would only feel like I went "somewhere", like I would pop up at home anytime, and to them it would just feel like I am always around.  But having to see someone go, really go...like in an airport or bus stations, one could not be spared of that painful experience as you see someone you love and care about walk away, with each agonizing step after another. I wanted to spare my daughters from those awful feelings....but Jednel was too young to understand perhaps or maybe she simply wanted to extend some more time with me by travelling together.  Ohhh, goodness gracious.....

     When it was time to go, I tried to be as casual as possible, lots of smiles and laughters like it was the normal thing to do or feel.  Even when Jednel started crying, I tried really, really hard to reassure her that soon we will be together again (sans tears, huh!).  I said my goodbyes to my parents, told them to take good care of themselves, and yes, I will take care of myself, too....that I love them all a lot and, of course, they do love me, too.......it seemed endless, the hugs, the kisses, the tap on the shoulder, the words of goodbye, then the hugs and the kisses again, then the words of goodbye.....what a torment!  The moment I turned my back...then that was the time that every emotion I tried hard to keep in check went crumbling...and crumbling fast on me.....

     Tsk, tsk....I got to switch to an outlet power coz the battery in my laptop is threatening me....oh well, might as well finish this off, time to get some lunch anyway and then off to board my plane for a long journey......back home!

Just 5 days...and dwindling...

     Today is the 15th birthday of my daughter, Jedzel...wow, 15, huh....my baby is no longer a baby :(...she is turning into a young lady.  In fact, she is as tall as I am now ( or as short perhaps?)  I would love for her to grow another inch or two but, oh well, that is just me, shorty, talking...I will still love her whatever or however she is.  It just doesn't stop to amaze me how my girls have grown and how many months and years have passed by without me watching their every inch of growth.  That is why it is so important for me to spend as much vacation time I could get with them.

     Today, Ron and I went to a salon and while having my pedicure, Jedzel joined us and had a trim on her hair (she has no classes today, a welcome coincidence so we get to spend time together on her birthday).  While my husband enjoyed his hour-long Swedish massage (actually, that only sounds fancy), Jedzel and I went to the nearby market to buy her a pair of doll shoes, as per request.....darn, size 39 and I am still and will always be size 35, otherwise referred to as 5 1/2....my girl may have changed in size and figure but one thing never changed, she still asks me for the color or style of shoes and shirts as she used to when she was younger, she still wants me to rub her head while sleeping, she still wants me to hold her while walking, she still likes to cuddle with me, she still fights with her sister, Jednel as to seating arrangements....(thus, I always sit in the middle of them to eliminate the problem)......poor husband has to make do seating somewhere and I know how he always likes to sit with me instead of across in any restaurant but, of course, he understands my desire to be with the girls.

     After the massage and the trim and the pedicure, off to Shakey's for lunch at 2pm.  Speaking of food, goodness gracious, Ron has been having a terrible time with our food here :(  We have been everywhere fancy and expensive around San Fernando but fancy as defined by San Fernando standard is how much money you spend on food around here but it does not necessarily mean delicious or to die for.  It is funny how the city got to grow so fast and got so crowded but the quality of restaurants and funfares to me seemed constantly deteriorating by the minute...or is it because I got so used to finer things in life?....

    However, there are two things that at least Ron and I personally enjoyed while we're here, entertainment-wise.....he is having fun fighting the surf as we are nestled at the surfing capital in the north, he is just bodysurfing for the most part...he is leaving the big, angry waves to the professionals to surf....and it is always fun to watch.  I always wish I can do what they do and, man, don't they just make it look so easy?  Another entertainment for me is going to the salon for my hair and nails. I couldn't help but giggle one time coz I managed to have a powerdose for my long hair (two bottles at that) considering the length, a trim, a highlights, a foot spa and pedicure plus tips for 3 people for the prize of one simple haircut in the states....man, I am scheduled for a hair spa before I leave...call it spoiled but, geez, I can't get to spoil myself this much when I'm in the states...not that I can't afford it but only because I can't afford to throw all those money in bulging US$ just for my girly pleasures....I can't help thinking of better ways in using that amount for my family instead.

     Then tonight, off to Casino Filipino...we were just curious as to what that place might offer....of course, we no longer have our hopes up high....but we were surprised indeed.  It is a nice place located just around the vicinity of the Wallace Station. I haven't been far when I ran into a school mate in high school who got quite lucky so far with her pail brimming with coins threathening to burst out any minute.  After a long chitchat and swapping of addresses and phone numbers, I came across another person I knew...well, my mother knew...growing up, I never actually remembered myself talking to her ever but my mother and I ran into her on several occasions in the marketplace..I was just a shadow in the background while she chatted with Mama.  Tonight though, she specifically went and said hello to me and started chatting like we were old friends and in two minutes asked for some money...because she said "I am already rich"...or, "I have a lot of money"....or...goodness, I downplayed by saying "NO" to ""all-of-the-above" with a forced smile....and said I have no pesos in my wallet but, grrrrr, she was not embarassed at all and even said to give her "ONLY five hundred pesos".....good god!!!  Just to make her stop I said I probably only have a hundred (but no, she said 500 because I am rich, and blessed and...ggrrrr)....but I stood my ground and opened my wallet and made her look....I pulled out a couple of hundred pesos and gave her that......damn, the nerve!!!!  I have always considered myself a very generous person...but never to those kinds of people really....damn, I don't even know her name...and damn me for giving in....I should have just stuck to my gun......but, oh well.......

     That really pissed me off and my mood soured after that....I didn't play at all and was on the verge of snapping at my husband for a very benign thing....(watch out girl, no sense throwing out your bile on someone innocent).  Good thing that he steered me to the Vegas Cafe for dinner...it is right around the corner and by far the best in the city, by decor and food combined....not to mention that the band playing within the casino can be heard of.  My mood improved a lot and completely pushed the ugly thoughts of that woman out of my mind...(until now coz I am writing about her).

     Ron and I already made a schedule to go back to the Casino Filipino tomorrow for dinner and on weekends with the girls.  Too bad my brother, Michael left today to go back to Malaysia.  He helped us in many ways, mostly drove us when we needed to go somewhere and did a lot of errands for me.  I wished we could have treated him for a fine dinner at the casino.

     In 5 days, it will be another bittersweet day for me...it is always sad to leave my daughters behind but I am happy I got the chance to spend time with them.  It doesn't matter, in a year or so, if things go right, my daughters will finally be with us in the states.  For now, I just have to be grateful for the wonderful chances I have with them.  After nine years one would think that by now I should have gotten used to the coming home-and-going back scene with my daughters...but everytime is always a bittersweet time, devastatingly hard, really....but I guess, I mastered how to lock my pain inside when it is time to say goodbye simply because I don't want my daughters to see me cry when I leave them...instead, I want them to have that happy face of mine to linger in their young minds so that when they see me again the next year, I still carry that smile with me, only then the smile reaches my heart because happiness is lacking to describe how I feel each time I get to see my beloved daughters.

Home at Last.....

     Today is my 5th day at home...but whew, it felt like I have been here forever, not that I am complaining but I already acomplished a lot of projects.

     For the first 3 days, I have put the effects of being jetlagged to good use by scrubbing here and there, dusting up and down until I could no longer see a single cobweb in the house.....lol, not true coz I know there are still some lurking around somewhere.  I have done repainting on the walls where there were scribbles courtesy of my niece, Erlyn.  Now that she is 5 and able to comprehend my reprimands, hopefully the walls will be left in peace. 

     I have also already attended a two-day seminar sponsored by DOST (Dept. of Science and Technology) in collaboration with FNRI (Food and Nutrition Research Institute) for the benefit of Small and Medium Enterprises.  They tackled about food fortification on existing products in the Philippines.  I learned a lot about this seminar and widened my knowledge on fortifying micronutrients in food products by producers and manufacturers to tackle one of the most prevalent problem in the Philippines.... malnutrition.  Happy to say that I also made a lot of friends from those who attended the seminar, and swapped phone numbers and email addresses with 2 lady friends who also happen to have friendster profiles ;)

     I got to cut this short coz while I am here I can't have all the time in the world to linger in my blog.  I have to grab every chance I can get to spend time with the girls and my family...not to mention another round of cleaning....oh well....

Home Is Where The Heart Is.....

     Yesterday was especially chaotic for me...the moment I got out of bed, I was cranky as hell.  I spent the whole morning calling the numbers from Cebu Pacific Airlines web page (customer service, call center, International numbers) and to my dismay, nothing worked other than the HK line, which just kept ringing.  Ron had been trying to buy my HK-Manila ticket since last week but for some reason they could not process US-issued Visa and Mastercards.  I ended up trying to purchase my ticket via phone through a number they gave, thus, the endless calling yesterday.  I just wasted my call card waiting for someone on the other end to finally talk to me but other than a song I could not understand in the background and the periodic advertisements while customers wait to be connected to a representative, I was left with two choices: should I keep on waiting or should I keep on wasting my call card?  Oh, alright, I figured I just have to wait until the night when Asia will be up.

     Half past nine in the evening and I was back into my rather frenzy phone calls.  I mastered counting from one to ten with exaggerated exhales and inhales just so to save my phone from kissing the wall as my irritations had built up to the limit for every failed connections.  In the end, Ron and I decided to just buy from Cathay Pacific.....the transaction was quick but, of course, for twice the price.....oh well ( at least, I saved my poor phone, which had nothing to do with the inefficiency of Cebu Pacific, from crashing!)

     After keeping my itinerary and documents in order, I had a little chat with my husband as he was buying his own ticket online (he will be in the Philippines two weeks from now).  We were going through some details and I noticed I kept saying "I will be going home to the Philippines on this date" and then "I will be going home to the US on that date".......where is home, really?

     When I was still working overseas, I always called the Philippines my HOME even when I was there only for a month each year for the last nine years.  Now that I am married, I have established a new life and a new home with my husband here in the states.  I guess it does not really matter which place we call home.  For as long as we have our families and our loved ones, it will always be home for us.  There will always be that certain place with certain people that we always feel at home with...because home is where the heart is and home is where we are happiest....and even when we are far away , the happy memories linger in our hearts for as long as we can remember!

Just a little somethin'....

     Right now, I am just in the process of packing some clothes and getting myself ready for the long trip.....although, I might say that I am not doing a very good job coz I am missing out on a lot of sleep these days and can't eat with as much gusto as I used to ...(hhmmm, wait, I like the sound of that "can't eat" part....I don't have to struggle with the weight loss then, hehehe).  It wasn't like it used to be when I was younger...I could eat anything I wanted, however much I wanted, whenever I wanted and still woke up the following morning with a good feeling.  I had two very easy pregnancies some years ago and what little weight I gained, I lost immediately...(plus a couple of areas I sure would have preferred to keep but lost somehow in the process of motherhood, lol).

     But I remembered very clearly that one morning after I turned 32, give and take a few weeks or so......I woke up feeling bloated and heavy....and holy cow, I felt like a cow!  It felt like my big dinner from last night was still snoring in my belly instead of waiting in line for the exit zone!   That was the first time it struck me that some things may have changed somehow and thought....."I'M GETTING OLD!!!!!"....not that I was concerned with my age, I didn't have issues with that...but the fact that with age, the body's metabolism also slows down.  Not having a sweet tooth is an advantage or the cravings for cakes and ice cream...but still, in my age, I have to watch out for what I eat or else I will have to struggle taking it off of me......oh heck, it's not like I have to really, really, really watch out for what I eat, hehe, I still eat like a glutton but I start trimming some fats from my meat or lessening my consumption of chips and snacks or be more aware of how much rice I eat, oh, and that's the hard part, I just love rice...and whenever I have fried fish or "paksiw", you bet it will be one heck of a mountain of rice on my plate!

     It also helps a lot that my husband is the health-conscious type...although, luckily for me, not on the extreme.  He just wants us to eat healthy.  During the first month of our marriage, whenever he grilled steaks, he would trim the fat off....and thought to myself, "ohhh, there goes the yummy part!).  I used to beg him to leave "just a little bit" of fat with a "pleeeeaaasseeee?...".....with a smile he couldn't resist.  Now, he won't usually trim my meat but I won't eat it anyway......(isn't it always yummy when it's not allowed?)

     I can't wait to see my girls...I will be at home on friday night.  I wish I can just fastforward my trip and be done with the time I will spend on the plane.  Oh well........no distance can ever faze me to see my children!

Seven more days and counting

     I am the kind of person who can sleep anytime and anywhere.  I remember when I was attending college at SLU in Baguio City and I needed to commute on weekends to go home to and from my hometown of San Fernando.....I would ride the bus and wait for the conductor to give me my ticket, tuck it in the outside pocket of my bag with my fare, make myself comfy by finding just the right spot for my head in the nook between the window and the backseat, a couple of exhales and inhales later, a flutter of the eyelashes for a second or two...then, snore, snore , snore............to my dreamland....for at least, an hour and a half.  Ops, a soft tap on the shoulder from the conductor, would give my ticket and fare, then  after getting my ticket back.....ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz....for another half hour, and voila!!!.....I'd be up and alert, time to get off the bus with a little souvenir from my dreamland....a small swelling on the side of my forehead where I got periodically hit on the side of the bus window....ouch...but no ouch!  Didn't feel it, didn't even wake me up, lol!  My bestfriend, Weng, who used to travel with me back then was amazed how I could do it.

     During school breaks, I was used to drinking my coffee in the middle of the afternoon with some "mais" or "turon"....and I'd be napping 5 minutes after.  There were those nights when school papers were reaching the time limit and my desk was filled with papers and chocolates and empty coca-cola bottles and coffee mugs.....anything to keep me awake!!!......ohhhh, what a nightmare coz my eyes were still as heavy as leads. 

     In short, I can sleep in a bus, in a car, on a plane, in a tram or a train...just like that but never missed my destination.

     However, for the last four days since I got my travel document, the cycle of not being able to sleep begun.  I'd be up way earlier than my usual half past seven then I would feel tired and sleepy during the day but I couldn't catch that nap, ggggrrrrr!  Trying harder to nap would just get me even tired.  Hopefully, I'll be too tired that I could manage to get a lot of sleep on the plane  next week...else, my parents would wonder how their only daughter got to look like a racoon!!!

     Oh me, oh my....I am even yawning while writing right now.  But my head is just bustling with a list of to-do things.......haaaaayyyy-yay-yayyyyy!!!

    

Yyyyeeeeeyyyyyy!!!!!

   After I came to terms of not being able to go home this October because of the delay in processing my travel document by USCIS Nebraska Office, I was trying hard not to jump up and down yesterday in the Tampa Immigration Office.....

     I filed for this travel document (necessary while my adjustment of status is still pending) in early May, with a plan to go home in the Philippines in October to visit my family and be with my girls for a month or so.  Four months ago, I was confident that this travel document will arrive on time...until September came and I haven't heard of anything from USCIS other than the receipt notice I got in July.  For two weeks I had been checking my online portfolio even when I knew nothing much will really change....the Nebraska Office is still processing people's document filed in April....goodness gracious!!!!  Not to  mention, of course, that I already made series of frustrating phone calls with their customer service hotline..."if you want this, press 1..if you want that, press 2, if you need this, press 3..."..and on, and on, and on.......finally, "to talk to our customer service representative, press...." whatever.....then came the endless ringing and waiting......

   Whew....good thing is, my husband does not easily give up.   He did call yesterday and luckily got hold of one representative.....only to be told that the Nebraska Office is pretty backed up....however, he suggested to try the InfoPass service and get an appointment to the nearest Immigration Office in our area.   My husband mused to himself that it may be close to impossible to get an interview this month....but did it anyway.....and whoa, there was an opening yesterday at 2 pm....so he called me up, told me to get dressed and get the proper documents with me to go to Tampa.

     We weren't expecting too much while waiting for our number to be called but we wanted to do it anyway...just in case.  So then, our number came up, did a little explaining about my case to the officer, answered 3 questions and the officer asked another officer, who obviously was higher in rank...and that officer told her, "xerox this and xerox that and the rest, you know what to do, and they can pick it up in two days".......oh my goodness, did I hear it right????  I looked at my husband and he smiled and, oh my goodness......I didn't want to jump up and down yet coz I wasn't sure if I heard it right....I looked at the officer in front of us with a questioning look and told us that we can pick up my travel document on Monday.....I couldn't help clapping like a little girl in front of her....it means so much to me to be able to go home because it has been more than a year since I have seen my girls last...

    YYyyyeeeeyyyy, I couldn't help saying that yesterday....if not for my husband's efforts, I would have missed this chance to go home.   He has been very supportive of me in almost anything that I want to do.....how I love this man.......more than anyone and more than I thought I am capable of loving....he is just one of a kind...and I am so blessed and proud to be his wife!!!

    

Weed Killer....

Hmmmm, one time I was just looking at my tiny front garden (if I can call it that)  wondering how all those weeds got to grow so fast.  It felt like I just uprooted them a few days ago. The palm looked like it also needed some makeover.  I got hooked up taking care of the interior of our house that I overlooked my sad little garden :(  I added it to my to-do-list and went to Home Depot and bought some gardening tools, some mulch and plants. 

     So yesterday, equipped with my tools, I started the makeover.  Considering the size of what I was about to tackle, I told myself, "peanuts, I can do this".  I started cutting the dried leaves of the palm and 10 chop-chops later I was heaving like a little dog and told myself, "darn, this is harder than I thought".  I didn't want to leave tasks half done so I stuck with my gun and went through with it.  But once I finished cutting the palm leaves, things got easier. 

    So then the uprooting began.....while pulling the weeds out  under the sweltering heat of the Florida sun, I thought to myself...."these poor little weeds are just trying to make a life of their own and here I am, the menace of their own little world, taking their little life out of them :(".  Hmmmm, but then again, I couldn't leave things just like that.  Taking it from the military perspective, those weeds were a part of a collateral damage....that is, a damage incidental to my uprooting activity.  Tsk, tsk....there are sacrifices that need to be done to get things done and better.

    Like in our way of life, this happens all the time.....some good, some....well, it depends on what one believes in and what one thinks is better.  Like giving up a part of your garden to make way for a swimming pool.....or a big company taking on a defunct mall making the space profitable and offering more jobs....how about the government's project on cleaning up the squatters in some part of the Philippines to make way for shopping malls or housing projects?....I didn't know much about it but I could only wonder what ever happened to those people...did the government provide for them a better shelter?....or treated just like the poor little weeds I uprooted..thrown in a garbage and bid adios?....or what about the BCDA ground breaking projects in Poro Point Special Economic Zone which involved millions of pesos?....according to the BCDA Chairman, it will jumpstart the development of the Poro Point Tourism, recreation and commercial complex.  As a resident of San Fernando, I found it a good move...when I go home then there will be more stuff to do, better places to go to.  Now, it is a different story if I consider the location of our family house in Catbangen, a stone's throw away from Poro Point.  For a few years now, I have heard whispers of a long stretch of some barangays being wiped out to make way for all those BCDA projects...and that included our house.  It was for this reason that I have not encouraged renovations on the house I grew up in, other than setting up additional machines for the ice cream factory, which I thought would be easy to pull out anyway, just in case.  It had been a while when I heard those whispers and some alleged blue print of the project, which I would be happy to have a hands on so I could see for sure if our house will belong to the "collateral damage".  I doubt if the company involved in the projects would pay all of those people on what their houses are worth so I refused to have any developments done on the house.  Oh well, I better find out what happens next...

     For now, I'd better get back to my tiny garden and finish my own project.  Besides, my to-do-list is getting longer each day.  Now that's what happens when I gave up my job...always finding something to do around the house to keep me busy. 

Home Alone.....

     After 5 weeks of staying with us, Ron's kids together with 2 other teenage friends left for Massachussettes.  As always, it is difficult when someone leaves...Dani was overwhelmed with tears when she was saying her goodbyes and Dalton, although quiet, was obviously sad to go.  But, like they say, we can't always have the best of two worlds.  The good thing is, the kids always enjoy the time they spend with us.

     Ron is just a great father...one of the many reasons why I could not say NO when he proposed to me 2 years ago....(that long already?...sometimes I feel like we just met ;).  Although he has a quiet nature, it complements with my bright and cheery attitude.  His demeanor is often calm (except when waiting for a red light) which is good for someone like me...coz I tend to be emotional and easily agitated.

     Hhhmmm, the house is so quiet right now.....home alone, at last!  But, geez, so many things to do for the next couple of days.    I'd better get this ass off of this chair to start with my clean-up.....

The Excitement Is Killing Me.....

     Yes, it does all the time.....the excitement of waiting, I mean.  Only this time is quite different. 

     Since I started working overseas...what, 9 years ago?.....the only event which would make me feel so elated was when I finally bought my ticket home to the Philippines.  Then came the cycle of either not sleeping or not eating.  Although I have been going home every year since I left the country, it was always the same.  I could not wait to see my daughters, I was excited to see my parents and brothers and, of course, our home and my old room.  It always felt good to be home. Once again, I would feel like the same old me when I was growing up... surrounded by my two younger brothers talking about a lot of stuff, catching up with my parents as to the goings-on in the lives of my relatives and the neighborhood, smelling the burning wood in the backyard, sipping my hot coffee in the middle of the afternoon with my merienda (lol, I never got over that), going to the local supermarket trying to buy anything and everything that I could not eat overseas, running into someone I know either from my high school or college days, hooking up with my old friends, etc, etc....

     Most of all, I could not wait to see my two little girls who are not so little anymore :(  Every year when I was going home, my luggage was bulging with pasalubong for my girls... mostly clothes and shoes...and every year, they were always a little short.  I remember when I was in France and shopped for some shoes for the girls and thought, "wow, I'm saving so much money from all these quality shoes on sale...."....and so I thought.  The trip in France was in August and I went home to the Philippines 7 months after that...what else was new?.....of course, none of the shoes fit both girls....the only consolation was, Jedzel passed her shoes on to her younger sister, Jednel....and the rest?....oh well, good thing I have a good number of relatives who would not mind taking them, or any second-hands for that matter.

     Now I thought  I learned a lot from that because I stopped buying shoes abroad...but I could not help myself whenever I saw some clothes I knew would look great for the girls.  So, on my trip to Spain, I was in this mall where everything was tagged with the magic word..."SALE"!!!  Huh, you have no idea but I was sooo ready to shop then, especially when I looked at the tag price and liked what I saw....the fact that the currency was in Euro didn't faze me at all....Of course, I kept in mind to get the clothes for the girls one size bigger......oh dear me, as a single Mom back then, my favorite word was "sale".  I would love to give my daughters the best in life, as best as I could....but back then, I had so many responsibilities on my shoulder....and being able to save on clothing and shoes was a big deal.  Oh, the word "sale" is still my bestfriend up to this day ;) 

     So anyway, I went home to the Philippines 7 months after I bought the clothes in Spain....oh gosh, none of the clothes fit Jedzel who,during that time, gained so much weight especially in the tummy area.  That was the last time I ever bought clothing for the girls overseas.  Oh, wait, not true...actually, I just sent them 3 months ago a couple of souvenir shirts from Madeira Beach....but bummer, none of them could use it coz they were too tight....

     So you see, this is a part of the reason why it is difficult for me to go through the waiting game.  My intended vacation will be this October....apart from the excitement of going home killing me, my other problem is, I am still uncertain whether to receive my travel document/re-entry permit from USCIS on time.  Since I am still a conditional permanent resident in the US, that is, I have an application for adjustment of status pending, I must obtain this travel document from USCIS, else, it may have severe consequences.  I would much rather not face those consequences by waiting for the approval of my permit to travel abroad....even if it means moving the date of my vacation ....and that my brother, Michael will kill me!!!  He managed to get a vacation from his company in Malaysia (which I heard wasn't easy) simply because he misses his manang, me, and eager to meet his brother-in-law.

     Oh, I got sidetracked again....but, anyway, this has been the longest time that I have not seen my daughters.  Although I frequently talk to them on the phone, it is still different if I see them in person.  You'd think that staying away from them after all these years would have made me got used to it....which is true, at some point...but there are always those times when I think of them and how big they have grown...and how big a part  of their childhood I have already missed...(and keep on missing).

     I first left them when they were very young, Jedzel was 6 and Jednel was 3.  It is still hard for me to look back at that time...up to this point, I  still could barely conceal my pain whenever I recall that day....it's still so vivid in my  memory that even the pain felt fresh like it just happened.  That day I left my daughters to work overseas, with their young faces smiling at me and waving goodbye and Jednel shouting, "come back soon, mommy"...and Jedzel saying, "Mommy, I won't sleep until you come back..."....that day, was one of the most painful day in my life...but it made me a changed woman, a stronger, better person than I was.  For it took a great strength not to cry in front of them while I was explaining why I needed to go away and when asked when I would come back, it was always in the form of "how many more sleeps, mommy?"...it took a great strength to reply "soon" because I knew deep in my heart that it was a lie...."soon" was always more than what I would have wanted to be away from them.  But it was a choice I made, it was a sacrifice I needed to do to give my daughters a better life because I gave up relying on their own father who was a selfish son-of-a-bitch, too childish to forget he had a family back home when he left for the Middle East and lived the life of a free man.  I would have forgiven him easily if he only forgot he had a wife when he met his other woman...but forgetting his obligations to his children as well, not even bothering to know if they were sick or healthy..that was unforgivable....!

     He left to work overseas when Jedzel was 2 years old and I was 3 months pregnant with our second child.  He even made me resign from teaching because he said I should just take care of our children now that he could make enough money for us.  For the first 3 years after he left, I lived in constant denial...assuring myself that there was very little or no money coming in because he was saving for our future.  But he came home after 3 years as a changed man, he picked up vices (drinking and smoking)....and later I learned, gambling.  One thing did not change, he still did not have money.  My young mind was wondering, where did it go after all these years?...but never asked him out loud.  Besides, after I gave birth to Jednel, I went back to teaching for I felt someting was off back then.  If my daughters and I were not living with my parents during that time, our lives would have been a complete wreck for how could I manage to support two toddlers from my meager salary?  Before he left again after his 3 months vacation was over, I gave him a warning that it was not the kind of life I would like to live, that I could not forever be under my parents' roof coz I was already a married woman, that I needed to be reassured that my daughters' future was not at stake.  Of course, he casually said, "oh, don't worry, I would save this time"......and all that shit!!!  But, as it was, it was only a shitty talk.  It became worse after that coz I learned about his other woman from my own uncle who also worked and hung out with him in the Middle East.  So that, plus the gambling, plus the irresponsibility from his part, plus all the other problems that came with it made me leave my girls and my country...to seek for a better future, a better life for me and my daughters.  Who could say I would stumble upon a better man, too? 

    Now, I am just as happy that I did not give up on living a life even when it was hard because in the end, I know something better will always come up.  Like I always love to say, there is only one way to go when you are down and that is up.  I guess, I should also be content in saying...better to move my flight if needed than not being able to go home at all!

    

First year Anniversary....

Ron and I just celebrated our first year anniversary yesterday.  We went out to have a sumptuous dinner at Middlegrounds Grill and toasted our date with a bottle of red wine.

If I have total control of how my life will go 49 years from now, I wish to be with  Ron and happily celebrating our 50^th anniversary. Ok, we will be way too old by then (if we are still lucky to be alive).  Hmn, say 30 years from now then….oh well, I guess I will just be grateful to have as much time with my husband as possible.

Married life, as every married person knows is a continuous struggle….a struggle to keep the marriage work, a struggle to create a strong foundation, a struggle to love each other, a struggle to stay in love with your partner, and so on and so forth.  For some people, they might give the word "struggle” a negative connotation…but it is what it is.

If we don’t struggle to do all these things then little problems start to grow, little resentments will start to blow, insecurities will creep in, and every other little things will start to threaten the relationship.

Ok, this is as far back as I can remember……I have to write those paragraphs again coz I lost the whole finished blog a few minutes ago simply because I was so lazy to save it in a draft.  Now, I got to keep the brain juice flowing to try and remember what I wrote earlier.

Let’s see, hmmmm….ok, so what do we do to make the marriage work and last a lifetime?  One, we could learn from couples who “have been there, done that”.  We could read and learn from countless books out there. I am no psychiatrist or marriage counselor but it doesn’t take one to know that one recipe to a successful relationship is to have an “open communication”…..when one speaks, one should listen…..not both talking at the same time and not listening by sulking.  But then again, different people, different relationships, different cases.  Well, I also believe that in every relationship, it is of utmost importance that both should have the same goal and have the same motivation…if not, then try to compromise.  We do commit mistakes from time to time….have the heart to forgive, no one is infallible in the first place.

Before I met Ron, some friends who knew me back then said that I should marry someone who has a stronger personality than I am, someone who could handle me… in other words, someone who could tame me (hehe, whatever that means)…..just perhaps reminding me to learn from my mistake coz I was once married to a weakling….however short that was, it was still the worst part of my life…but I learned from it, learned the hard way and even when there were way too many bad things that happened then, one good thing that came out of it were my daughters.  I guess I should be grateful for that weakling of a man coz he helped me become the stronger woman that I am now.

I am just so blessed to have two sweet and loving daughters and now to have my wonderful and loving husband whose kids are nice to me.  I am still the same stubborn me but my husband is just so understanding and supportive that by being just that, he manages to curb my horns ;)  I know, one can only do so much…I don’t, of course, want to just let him do the nurturing in our marriage…it takes two to tango.

Oh, well, my mom-in-law and sister-in-law are here….got to help make a good dinner for eight for my stepdaughter’s birthday……

The Crab Mentality...

     What happens if you pour a bunch of crabs in a bucket?....or let me re-phrase by asking.....what do you see in a bucketful of crabs? 

     As a form of survival, crabs instinctively move away when approached.  So when in a bucket, we see them all climb up on top of each other to move up and in the process pulling others down along the way.  Well, crabs are crabs.....but humans?....geez, some have this approach to life....the crab mentality!!!

     Beware, I am sure we all have at least one of their kind in our lives.  These are the kinds of people who won't care to brush off other people aside just to get what they want.  These are inconsiderate leeches who will feed on informations from you and twist them according to how they see fit just so they come out that they are better and you are worse.  These are the "self-acclaimed" smart people who love to nonchalantly say the phrase "if I were you"...with a note as if YOU ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! .....(when you are not even soliciting for an advice!)

     These are the kinds of people who seem to be sympathetic when listening to your woes....but, hey, careful...in the end, they will use it against you to target your weakness.  These are the kinds of people who will always see the bad side of things instead of looking for anything good in it.  These are the people who belong in your circle you thought of as friends....but they just love stabbing you in the back.  Heck, I don't know...but they probably get gratification from doing all these things out of frustration that you have what they don't.

     My other guess is...these kinds of people are full of insecurities in their lives that they just live in constant resentment, thus, making them more prone to get satisfaction from seeing the bad coz anything worse than them just makes them "seem" better off than anyone.....pathetic, I must say!

     Isn't that quite infuriating?.....Oh yes, it is!  So if you don't know one of those, consider yourself lucky, man!  It is quite difficult to handle people who are like these...but in the end, the best thing to do is to cast them out of our lives.  Why so cold?....hey, who wants complications?  At first, it might be easy to handle by being polite and all that shit...but in the end, the negativity of it just gets to you and your system.

     So my friend, I am not saying that you start becoming paranoid...just be AWARE....because these kinds of people do exist!

Life Is What and How We Make It......

Whoever we are, whatever we do, however we live our life.....it is what it is simply because it is the result of our own doing.  If we are living a good life..then that is great.  If we have wonderful friends around..then that is even better.  If we have a good relationship with the members of our family...good for us.    If we are living with the one we love...no complaints, life just gets better!

If, on the other hand, life sucks....there is one important thing that one should do...MOVE!  Movement in any form of direction is better than sitting duck over a problem or a misery and dwelling in either self-pity or resentment...or most often than not, blaming other people for their sorry state.  Moving forward and facing our difficulty is always a step away from one's misery...and every single step, no matter how agonizing it can be at times, is always counted.  Stepping back and looking at the problem as a whole is still a movement worth taking than sitting still and crying over a spilled milk.

Happiness, of course, is always relative.  What might make me happy may not stand true to others.  But who does not want to be happy?  But whatever it is that can make us happy, if we work hard for it and always on the move to attain it...eventually we'll get it.  There are people who are luckier than us who happen to have everything they want on their lap whenever they want it...but for those like us who can't have what can make us happy in a flick of a finger, we gotta do something to make things happen instead of wasting time contemplating on what others have that we don't.  In this connection, we also just can't say "life is unfair".....because life always gives us a fair chance to achieve that goal we set our mind to.  It only seems unfair when we always think that we can never do something before even trying out if we can do it or not.

Life is what and how we make it....you want to live a good life?....start building a good foundation.  You want to be in a good relationship?.....find the right one for you...and if you already do, give what you can to make the relationship survive.  I personally believe that no task is ginormous if we set our mind to it.  While it is true that there are overnight successes, we can't simply be kneeling with our hands spread wide and waiting for that success to land in our lap.....it doesn't happen that way.  If you want up, then you start climbing the steps....if you want to go some place else, take that step so you'll be where you want to be.  If you want to succeed, it starts with yourself, you gotta believe you can do it..then start doing something about it!!!

Again, it is always easier said than done...but, at least, I always try to keep in mind that if I want something....MOVE!!!

Beyonce's Concert......

At last, I have seen in person one of my favorite hip-hop artist, Beyonce Knowles during her concert at St. Pete Times Forum in Tampa last saturday. The Beyonce Experience concert was opened by young British singer, Katy Shotter and an hour of limelight for Robin Thicke singing songs from his album The Evolution of Robin Thicke.

     Beyonce is, of course, gorgeous and a great performer.  Our ticket is worth the price coz I got to see her up close and I got the chance to get cool pix and videos.

I AM WHAT YOU ARE TO ME....

I AM WHAT YOU ARE TO ME.....Kinda sounds conditional, but hey, like I said before, "life is full of conditions..."

Before I embraced this belief, I remember a good, good friend from a long time ago, who said, "...don't expect others to be nice just because you are nice...."....how true!  He helped me get back to my own feet when all around me sent crushing me down.  He was there to lend a hand when I felt so alone.  Well, not to say I didn't have a lot of friends back then but but for some reason, they seemed to vanish in thin air when I didn't have any more money to spare.  He showed me that it was okay to cry when hurt but not to lick my wounds in the corner.  When you are down, everybody will just keep looking down on you...but if you learn to stand up, everybody will see you eye to eye.  Bottom line, he showed me that in this life with no guarantees, one can cope so much better if you don't depend on anyone but yourself!!!.....true again!!!

When one goes through life's experiences, one learns....some people learn the hard way....like I did.  It was never easy to achieve for my dreams, it has been a constant struggle....but I learned to face everyday with ease, so it seemed....To me, it was an achievement not to commit the same mistake twice....gosh, it is so not cool to call myself STUPID!

Sometimes, we put on a face, we use a mask...just to get by....just to protect the people we love, just to spare them from feeling our pain.  Sometimes, it is more than enough to see them happy....out of the sacrifices we make....

But, sometimes, wearing too many masks can be so confusing....which one is for real now...which one is make-believe....gosh, I am laughing out loud....oh, wait, am I really happy...or just pretending to be.....?....   :(

It is so convenient to wrap one's self in the web of lies....it is a lot easier to embrace what we want to believe in than face the cold, hard facts around.....

Yada, yada, yada....blah, blah and some more blah....

Now, let us fastforward coz there were so many things in the past that I would rather throw to oblivion.

The main point is, is it wrong to say that what I am to you is what you are to me?.......

If you are good to me, I am so much better to you....

But if you are bad, oh for goodness' sake, I'll be even better...meaning, I can be sooo good in being sooo bad!!!

I am a treasured friend or a hateful foe....your choice...

Fortunately, I have countless friends, no known enemies, lol...

(oh well, there may be some around but I just don't give shit on them slobs coz they are not worth my time!!!)

A Poem for My Husband....

THE DAY YOU SAID HELLO

It may have been at the wrong place

     when I've met you,

It was even the wrong time coz I was

     so down and so blue....

But I've felt you were the right person

     coz you were honest and true,

Sensitive to my feelings, thoughtful,

     understanding and romantic, too!

It was amazing that for such a short time

     that we spent together,

I have always felt like I have known you

     forever...

Moments we shared have been right

     from the very start,

Couldn't help to say this, babe

     but you captured my heart!

Feelings of insecurity and loss of confidence

     follow me now and then,

But your unconditional caring and support

     make me strong once again...

For all the stupid mistakes

     I unintentionally committed,

You never turned your back but showed

     how much you cared instead!

Now back on my feet and more confident,

You healed my pain with all the time we spent...

My days are now filled with real happiness

     and not some stupid fantasy...

So, Babe, with utmost love and honesty

I tell you this, you are my inspiration,

     my reality!!!